Last year I took maternity leave for my first child. Like many women who have worked all their adult lives, I found the whole experience a mixed bag but overall I suppose I look back on the experience with rose tinted glasses…’a magical time’
Until now. Now I remember maternity leave. It was lonely. Very lonely.
Covid 19 will already have had profound effect on loneliness in new mothers and mothers to young children, the question is, what can be done about it?
To prepare for this blog I read some books on maternal stress and many articles on maternal loneliness…lot’s of suggestions and solutions to tackle the problem, local breast feeding groups, baby yoga, community baby and toddler groups, local library events, creating a ‘mum gang’ that can hang out and drink coffee or turmeric lattes.
This is all unavailable for the foreseeable future.
Some mothers will have partners at home during this time but many, like myself won’t. Zoom, house party, WhatsApp etc are great, but try holding a conversation whilst your toddler is sorting the knife drawer for you in the back ground, or try scheduling a zoom chat with your girl gang when your new born is liable to go into melt down at any time. Perhaps if you're really lucky you have both of these situations going on at once!
Not to mention how the lack of actual human interaction is going to affect the mothers stress levels…I’m afraid I’m a believer in the expression, ‘it takes a village to raise a baby’.
A WhatsApp village can’t clean human faecal matter wiped/sprayed on the wall or hold the baby for you so you can eat a hot meal or occasionally wash at least your armpits and face (essential areas only, lets not be too ambitious here)
Added to this, I’m guessing many new parents are met with confused expressions from others upon declaring their loneliness and exhaustion,
‘How can you be lonely? you are with your child all day’
‘If you need to get something done for yourself, just put the baby down’
Every exasperated parent has experienced the above in some shape or form. Honestly, I feel like wiping an old nappy in the face of anyone who uses these simpleton statements.
On a more serious note, maternal stress and depression has been strongly associated in women with financial strains….well, I’m pretty sure Covid 19 will have dumped a majority of mothers in to this category now. The effects of Covid 19 on maternal health are multifactorial; we are scratching the surface by talking about loneliness because underneath that we have maternal/paternal stress, anxiety and depression….a lot more depression.
We must address how we can help with loneliness during this crisis but in doing that we have to be able to help mother, father AND baby with the fallout which is increased anxiety now but also potentially after this is all over.
We know that increased stress during pregnancy and the early years of motherhood affect our children. It’s been a subject of interest to many as stress and anxiety levels in children appear to be on the rise.
Very briefly, the science is that if cortisol (a stress hormone) is knocking around a mothers body (or any humans body) too long the part of our brain that receives it (the hippocampus) reacts like a horse that is kicked too much; it just stops reacting to this stress hormone.
The result is that the part of the brain responsible for making this stress hormone, the hypothalamus doesn’t receive the message to stop making any more cortisol. So, without this crucial feedback, the stress response can get stuck in the, ‘on’ position.
What I want to say next is almost impossible to summarise but I think Dr Sue Gerhardt does it beautifully,
“Early care actually shapes the developing nervous system and determines how stress is interpreted and responded to in the future.”
During this crisis we need to identify how can we physically reduce parents stress hormone levels and therefore our children’s potentially for the rest of their lives.
It’s not easy. As I mentioned at the start, all usual coping mechanisms aren’t available for the foreseeable future.
I spoke to some mothers…. full time mums, working mums, new mums, mums to toddlers about how they were feeling and what they did to get themselves through each day.
I will start with mums trying to work from home and simultaneously mother.
When we think of loneliness it evokes images of someone trapped literally, on their own. The irony of motherhood and working from home is that being torn between two worlds, that of your career, and juggling a baby or toddler in the back ground leaves parents feeling isolated from their own sense of self…. Not being able to be truly alone, having no personal head space is a type of loneliness or isolation. One mother said to me, ‘ The computer is on, I look like I’m connected during meetings but in reality I’m singing nursery rhymes or getting climbed all over’.
Never being able to fully connect or engage in your work or your child leads to feeling constantly overwhelmed and in a sense lost.
Another mother said to me she resorts to locking herself in the bathroom sometimes to have a breather…
When I asked these parents how did they do it? Surely without help one of these balls must be dropped? But interestingly the answer for many seemed to come from finding ways to reconnect with themselves which made them feel whole again and less isolated from themselves.
One mother says that she actually follows in the theme of trying to over achieve and tidies up because once the baby has gone to bed and the computer is away, relaxing in a clean environment is her way of reclaiming normality. So, although this may not be everyone’s method of mediation to ground yourself, the concept of ‘regaining a sense of normality’ is key.
If parents can identify what that might be for them it could help many overwhelmed families during this period of isolation.
Suggestions of a nice bath or having mini dinner parties with your partner or whomever your living with…. A common theme I got from parents, working or no was, ‘wine’.
Whatever your method, it will ultimately be very hard to feel completely ‘normal’ at the moment but easing pressure from yourself during the day will ease overall anxiety. Companies will understand that at the moment operating 100% from home with a small child is not going to be possible. The key is communication, let your boss know if you are drowning. Remember, almost everyone will be struggling at the moment in their own way and just talking about shared experiences will help reduce feelings of isolation and anxiety.
Parents who can’t work from home at the moment will be weathering a slightly different storm. The anxiety of loneliness in its more traditional sense, no one to talk to all day (and perhaps night) except your child.
Some mothers I contacted spoke of feeling completely alone in the world at the moment without the love, help and warmth of family around to support them and their newborn but some said they were ok, enjoying the time with their toddler or baby but quite frankly, very bored and expected their sanity to make a sharp exit any moment now.
There is so much in this, there are so many parents out there now in desperate need of help and support and it cannot be given to them. I have heard so many very sad stories made worse by the fact that there is little consolation one can offer an exhausted and lonely mother.
However, here are some coping strategies that will help, if even only a little bit.
The main difference now for parents is isolation and lack of human contact. When we do have access to these rather crucial things it helps release dopamine into the brain which switches off cortisol production and therefore the stress response.
Novel experiences also help release dopamine, so for example learning something new could help with feelings of anxiety and help us feel connected with ourselves and then in return improve the connection with your child. However, one of the main symptoms of depression and anxiety is lack of motivation.
I for one did not feel like, ‘going to learn something new’ when I had a new born. Learning doesn’t have to be from a book or screen though. Listening to a podcast or audible book is something I know many parents do to unwind. Listening to something might be escapism or it might be educational but we know it helps switch on new parts of the brain that don’t get used when we are chronically anxious.
I think the journey to reducing the sense of loneliness in parents is getting to them to the point or at least maintaining a level of energy where they feel they can consistently communicate remotely with family and friends. Depression often leads people down a rabbit hole and then further isolation.
Online yoga and workouts for mums are prolific at the moment and exercise really helps endorphin levels. There are even specific Covid 19 breathing tutorials to help strengthen your lungs. So if you really have no energy for exercise, just do one of these, it will help slow your heart rate and reduce feelings of stress and anxiety.
Those lucky enough to have been able attend antenatal groups might have an online ‘mum gang’ and can have those 2am sleep deprivation despair rants. A few parents I spoke to had instructed private online doulas and midwifes to help fill the gap of visiting midwives and health visitors. Mums able to do this said it had had a significant effect on reducing feelings anxiety just because they had someone they trusted to ask questions to.
These services are private but if you contact your GP surgery or midwife with concerns about post natal depression they may be able to organise online or telephone Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or therapy which could dramatically help reduce anxiety.
All of the above is virtual and we still miss the vital element of touch and face to face contact. We know the importance of touch in relation to reducing stress, it’s been shown to reduce inflammation and tension in the body…it’s a powerful thing. So give that gift to your baby wherever possible. Baby massage is beneficial to baby and parent. There are many online tutorials but honestly, you need not be an expert. Using your instinct just gently stroking your baby will have a positive effect on you both.
If you are rocking your baby to sleep or feeding, hold that moment, that space in your head and really enjoy that connection with your baby. We all have to make the most of what physical human contact we have at the moment. Being caught up in anxiety and tiredness often robs us of these positive feelings so actively try to engage with them during quiet moments in the day.
Last of all, do not underestimate the importance of talking to your partner. Communicating any anxieties about loneliness and isolation. Even if they can’t do anything about it, it’s important to talk, to cry and to listen to one another through all this. Spending time voicing your feelings to those we love and listening to them in turn is the one thing that will help all of us, not just parents, get through challenges and hardships of isolation and Covid-19.